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Bruce
kor27
...:::.::. .::...:..
Moon Phase



April 2018
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Bruce [userpic]
Bored

Bored, bored, stuff to do, involves concentration. Concentration in low supply. Diluted, as it were.

Dilution, dilution, essential bodily fluids. Are you a prevert? 'Cause I sure am. No proper outlet though - too shy, too, too, well, don't really know humans all that well.

Yes, I am human. But pieces missing. Have been working for years to understand people, try to model. Get an idea how people tick, learn how to deal, help with the fear. The fear, the fear, the fear of the violent humans. The always hurting, always killing humans. Learn how to not trigger the violence.

Got pretty good, too. But aging, aging so fast. These bodies just don't last long. Not long, not long, but focusing on mortality just makes it come faster. A watched death always boils.

Need to learn more. Hopefully before too late. Need love. Deserve love? Don't know. What is to deserve? Need to get laid. But picky, oh so, so picky. Sex without love is fun, but get attached so, so easily. Do I want to subject those I care about to the chaos that is me? But I love them.

Love them, fear them, fear them, love them, love them all.

Don't feel I deserve all that much. Always feel selfish doing anything for me. Trying to work on that. Psychic vampire, must have permission to cross threshold. Any threshold, any place, any mind.

Walk softly, leave no footprints.

Can't seem to ask for what I want. Geas, it feels. Frequently mistaken for submissive.

Why is helpful seen as submissive? Not the same at all. Don't want orders, just want to help those I love feel better. Easier if they say what they want, is all.

It would be easier if I said what I wanted. Stupid passive-aggressive bullshit.

Too busy to support myself. To supportive to busy myself. My priorities are fucked up.

My priorities aren't really a matter of choice. It's complicated.

Must not enable. Must not enable. Must not enable. Already destroyed too much. Bull in psychic china shop, smashing the dinnerware set of self-sufficiency.

I have value. I do love, and selflessly. More than just protecting from the fear, I love. But no-one really wants selfless love. Don't deny it. It looks good on the model at the fashion show, but no-one ever really takes it home and wears it.

Lust is so much more understandable, and comfortable, and reciprocatable. Silly, silly human brains, built up in sedimentary layers, each misinterpreting the one beneath it.

It's a wonder we think at all. Most don't. Rational people seen as dangerous, subversive, evil. Good thing I'm safe there. But I do know rationality. Can't define it, but I know it when I see it.

I feel like tacos.

Current Location: The Duplex
Mood: weirdfish
Comments

I wish I could send this to you 25 years ago.

Now that would have been interesting.

Though I think my likely reaction at the time would have been to freeze up, bury the info where I couldn't remember it, and proceed as if nothing had ever happened.

deep....thoughtful....dangerous....i like it.

Thanks! I figured if I had odd stream-of-consciousness stuff going on, I should just run with it.

I'm not too unhappy with the result. It ain't Faulkner, but it ain't half bad.

not 1/2 bad by far

Need to learn more. Hopefully before too late. Need love. Deserve love? Don't know. What is to deserve? Need to get laid. But picky, oh so, so picky. Sex without love is fun, but get attached so, so easily. Do I want to subject those I care about to the chaos that is me? But I love them.

Hey, you - out of my brain.

*hug*

And HUGS right back. :-)

Wait - you mean you're insecure, too? I never would have thought... :-p

Well, that's quite the different angle into the persona thereof...

Well, I do have quite a number of facets, as we've discussed before...

This is true.

Though it vaguely reminds me of how I can be when I'm feverish. Even with a minor 99-100 degree temp, I get all sorts of weird thoughts.

When I hit about 102 is when I hallucinate. Seriously :) That's why I near-militantly push others away and sleep in a dark fan-noise-riddled room when sick, and don't come out until better.

Well, the fever did have a lot to do with it. I didn't measure it, so I don't know the level - but it was considerably less than 102°.

I've been told multiple times that I'm quite entertaining when feverish, so I only avoid people on that whole "not infecting them" basis.

I mean, hiding away in the dark does have some similarity to drinking on your own, so people can't see what you're like when drunk.

And also remember that the "weird thoughts" can be useful. I'm pretty certain that the thoughts themselves are somewhat random - but the ones that resonate demonstrate truth, sometimes a truth that you're keeping from yourself.

So paying attention (to the extent that is possible) isn't a bad idea.

I agree wholeheartedly with that. Please take the word "weird", when I say it, with a grain of salt ;)

Streaming is important. Connection to the Collective notwithstanding.

Yeah, well, the connection to the Collective is at too low a bandwidth for streaming anyway.... :-p

lol its actually cruel intentions, another teen nineties movie, and now that I notice it alot of the quotes are from nineties movies...heh