I got to the point that I wanted to just check out the email, so I tried to run that.
It couldn't connect to the data network. Visions of incompatibility ran through my head.
So I tried the built-in web app. That couldn't connect either. Did a setting not transfer?
In case it was a local network problem, I tried messaging
So I tried calling him. To be told that "Your account has been suspended for non-payment."
Oh.
Fortunately, once I paid online, it reconnected rather quickly. The website still says my service is suspended, but everything now works, so it can say whatever it wants to.