Bruce (kor27) wrote,
Bruce
kor27

  • Mood:

Angst

Just hoping I can exorcise a bit by writing it down.

I'm just so fucking lonely. Which is ridiculous in some ways - I have a huge number of acquaintances, a reasonable number of friends, and one exceptionally good best friend.  Why some guy doesn't snap up timenchanter, I'll never know.  He's smart, kind, funny, honorable, and reasonably good-looking.  Apparently qualities that are considered relatively unimportant.

It looks like what I really want is a girlfriend - one that doesn't make me feel even more worthless, for a change.  Sex would be good, too.  The whole porn thing is getting really old, and it's always tricky when the thing that really gets you off is your partner getting off.

It's just that I doubt there's anyone out there that's appropriate, let alone that would be interested.  For one thing, they'd have to be one of my kind (Way too boring otherwise), and while we're less rare than most people think, we're still rare.  And most of us are sooo fucked up.  I just don't want to go back to carrying someone.  It gets old.  I've done my bit.  Time to find someone willing to carry me for a change.

Like that's going to happen.

It doesn't help at all that at some level I seem to think I don't deserve any kind of companionship until I've got myself back on a sound financial footing - but I can't motivate myself to do anything in that direction with my present sense of self-worth.  What's really worrying is that that's more sugar-daddy thinking.  And I know too well how damaging that is to the psyche.  It'd be nicer to think that someone out there would be happy with me, with or without money.

It also doesn't help that I feel so damn ugly most of the time.  I look OK - I'm fat, but still I look OK.  There's even a number of women out there that prefer the "thick" look.  And I get the impression I'm fun to be around, at least when I'm not off feeling sorry for myself like this.

Ah well.  I'll shift and feel better about myself in a few hours.  We may pay for our highs with lows, but at least the inverse is true as well.  I'm just feeling so fucking old.  The human lifespan isn't much fun when it takes you until 40 or so to hit adolescence.
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